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"The money screamed across the wires, its provenance fading in a maze of electronic transfers, which shifted it, hid it, broke it up into manageable wads which would be withdrawn and redeposited elsewhere, obliterating the trail."

Source: http://projects.exeter.ac.uk/RDavies/arian/emoney.html

My version:

Деньги потерялись в проводах, это произошло затухая в лабиринте электронных переводов, которые заменили их, спрятали их, разбили их на дрессированные шматы, которые будут выведены и передепонированны где-нибудь в другом месте, что бы стереть следы.

What can be refined?

Artemix
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user2496
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  • "Дрессированные шматы" sounds awkward, I'd say "послушные пачки" or "удобные пачки". "Передепонированны" is too a professionalism and a barbarism to be used among such rich imagery, I'd say "положены на другие вклады" for "redeposited elsewhere". – Yellow Sky Apr 24 '14 at 17:12
  • In this particular case ("чтобы стереть следы") чтобы must be written together – borisbn Apr 25 '14 at 12:19
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    +1 for дрессированные шматы – mustaccio Apr 25 '14 at 13:16

2 Answers2

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Деньги со свистом разлетались по проводам, информация об их источнике быстро терялась в лабиринте электронных денежных переводов. Деньги изменялись ими, скрывались и разделялись на части, которые впоследствии незаметно обналичивались или отправлялись на счёта в других местах.

This is a pretty complex sentence, and translating it "word-for-word" is not an option. So, I allowed myself to be loose in my translation. Maybe I didn't understand everything in this sentence properly, so I'm open for corrections.

The money screamed across the wires - I guess that means they flew into and spread around the network at a tremendous speed

its provenance fading in a maze of electronic transfers - So, the information about the source of this money was getting lost due to numerous transactions. Источник - source. I might also say вкладчик (depositor, a person who deposited the money), but that is not as precise.

Then I started a second sentence, because in one sentence it looks pretty overloaded. It's okay to split a sentence into several during translation.

Деньги изменялись ими, скрывались и разделялись на части, - In my opinion, using passive voice is less confusing here, so it's like "Money were changed(shifted) by them, were hidden and split into parts"

manageable wads - I dropped "manageable", because the context already suggests that. The source sentence, from a perspective of a Russian-speaker, is overloaded with descriptions, so some of them may be dropped, or else the resulting translation will be overloaded and hard to comprehend.

obliterating the trail - I replaced it with "незаметно"(sneakily,without trace, un-noticeably )

которые впоследствии незаметно обналичивались или отправлялись на счёта в других местах - again, passive voice. In the original we have future in the past. Classically it would be translated using future tense in Russian, but here I put "впоследствии" (afterwards) and used past tense, so it suggests that these actions(withdrawal and redeposit) were performed in the past after some other action that took place before.

I'm really not sure about this last one. If the original went like "which could be withdrawn", I would simply translate it as "которые впоследствии можно было незаметно обналичить или отправить на счёта в других местах"

EDIT 1: I can be even more loose

Разлетаясь со свистом по проводам и теряя информацию о своём вкладчике, деньги быстро скрывались в лабиринте денежных переводов, меняли форму, разбивались на мелкие пачки, которые потом незаметно выводились или отправлялись на счета в других местах.

Highstaker
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  • Wire must be wire transfer so провод is not the best translation, excellent otherwise. – jwalker Apr 25 '14 at 09:05
  • @jwalker http://www.multitran.ru/c/m.exe?CL=1&s=wire&l1=1 'провод' exists as one of the translations of 'wire'. What's your suggestion on translation of this word here? – Highstaker Apr 25 '14 at 11:20
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    Провод is a correct translation for wire, but in this case it's not just wire, it's colloquial for wire transfer, so it needs to be перевод. – jwalker Apr 25 '14 at 12:02
  • @jwalker no, you are wrong. It is impossible to разлетаться по переводам. – Anixx Jun 11 '14 at 13:08
  • @Anixx It is possible to разлетаться переводами, though. – jwalker Jun 11 '14 at 13:24
  • Well, now that I revisited this, based on COCA it seems it must have been plain wire. – jwalker Jun 11 '14 at 14:54
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    @jwalker "разлетаться переводами" sounds very confusing to modern speaker. This construction can be used, but if I heard it myself without knowing the situation beforehand, it would sound confusing to me – Highstaker Jun 12 '14 at 07:30
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Деньги звенели в проводах, их происхождение терялось в лабиринте электронных переводов, которые переместили их, спрятали и разбили на управляемые части, которые могут быть бесследно выведены или внесены на новый депозит где угодно.

I would say something like this.

Manageable wads - some pieces which could be managed by some manager, "управляемые части" (or "управляемые пачки") but "пачка" is alsway cash, so i`d say here "часть" - piece.

Artem Reva
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